I realize that at this moment the blogs aren't going to make sense. I know its been a year and blah, blah a lot has happened, but more later I have to get this out of my mind.
So my ex-boyfriend, we'll call him E. Wow, its been almost 10 years since we met and 6 since I've seen or talked to him. I had a dream about him and not one of those sex dreams or anything, but every few months I'll have a dream that seems so real it makes me want to find him to make sure he's ok. Don't get me wrong I don't want to leave my husband in anyway, but E and I had what I thought at the time was an unbreakable bond. No, he was not my first love or anything, but the things that E and I did are a part of my life that I'm not proud of.
The thing was I did drugs in college fine, but it wasn't until E that things got bad. Honestly about all E was my drug of choice first and foremost. We were in an unhealthy relationship from the beginning, but we were drawn to eachother in a way that I had never experienced and never did since. We met one night at a friends house, he had a girlfriend, which he claimed was his ex at the time and he used drugs. Since that first night we were together a lot and did everything together. Another way is I did everything for him. He didn't have a car, only had a job for a short time, and kept running away from home. I thought I could save him, which makes me laugh now because I needed the saving. I bought him things, clothes, drugs, and gave him my whole life all the while he was still seeing his ex. I knew it was wrong, but at the time I was so fuck up too so I didn't care. He was my life. When he called me one night and told me he wanted to end his life, I was the one who picked him up and drove him to the hospital after he ODed. I stayed with him the entire night to make sure he was ok. Then a few months later, he was the one who ran away from his house and I caught him living with her. Was that even the end, nope. Even after that I would find myself sucked back in when he wanted something. It wasn't until 3 years into our "relationship" that another friend of mine made me realize what an ass I was. I called him and completely ended things and never spoke to him again.
The problem is as much as I have grown up I still wonder if he is alive. I will drive by his old house, don't even know if his family is still there, just to see. I want to know if he made it ok or if he is one of the bodies in the cemetary. Its sick to say, but a piece of me still loves him and I think always will. I wouldn't give up my life now for anything, but I just wonder if he is ok. So these dreams just kept reminding me that in a way, E is unfinished buisness. The way it ended, needed to happen in order for me to clean up my act and get well, but it left a tiny hole where he was behind. I don't know why I still think of him from time to time, and I have looked him up on fb and myspace to no avail. Crazy I know, but how do you completely let that go. I can't believe I have to say I'm still trying.
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