Stupid dreams

I realize that at this moment the blogs aren't going to make sense. I know its been a year and blah, blah a lot has happened, but more later I have to get this out of my mind.





So my ex-boyfriend, we'll call him E. Wow, its been almost 10 years since we met and 6 since I've seen or talked to him. I had a dream about him and not one of those sex dreams or anything, but every few months I'll have a dream that seems so real it makes me want to find him to make sure he's ok. Don't get me wrong I don't want to leave my husband in anyway, but E and I had what I thought at the time was an unbreakable bond. No, he was not my first love or anything, but the things that E and I did are a part of my life that I'm not proud of.

The thing was I did drugs in college fine, but it wasn't until E that things got bad. Honestly about all E was my drug of choice first and foremost. We were in an unhealthy relationship from the beginning, but we were drawn to eachother in a way that I had never experienced and never did since. We met one night at a friends house, he had a girlfriend, which he claimed was his ex at the time and he used drugs. Since that first night we were together a lot and did everything together. Another way is I did everything for him. He didn't have a car, only had a job for a short time, and kept running away from home. I thought I could save him, which makes me laugh now because I needed the saving. I bought him things, clothes, drugs, and gave him my whole life all the while he was still seeing his ex. I knew it was wrong, but at the time I was so fuck up too so I didn't care. He was my life. When he called me one night and told me he wanted to end his life, I was the one who picked him up and drove him to the hospital after he ODed. I stayed with him the entire night to make sure he was ok. Then a few months later, he was the one who ran away from his house and I caught him living with her. Was that even the end, nope. Even after that I would find myself sucked back in when he wanted something. It wasn't until 3 years into our "relationship" that another friend of mine made me realize what an ass I was. I called him and completely ended things and never spoke to him again.

The problem is as much as I have grown up I still wonder if he is alive. I will drive by his old house, don't even know if his family is still there, just to see. I want to know if he made it ok or if he is one of the bodies in the cemetary. Its sick to say, but a piece of me still loves him and I think always will. I wouldn't give up my life now for anything, but I just wonder if he is ok. So these dreams just kept reminding me that in a way, E is unfinished buisness. The way it ended, needed to happen in order for me to clean up my act and get well, but it left a tiny hole where he was behind. I don't know why I still think of him from time to time, and I have looked him up on fb and myspace to no avail. Crazy I know, but how do you completely let that go. I can't believe I have to say I'm still trying.

Why do people get sick

So I realize that at 28 years old to still have grandparents is a big deal. Most of my friends and others I know do not have that honor of still having them around. The sad thing is my grandfather is dying. I saw him last week and he is holding on, but just barely. I feel selfish because I want him around to see me become a mother some day, but on the other hand I can only imagine what he is going through. He is in so much pain and I wonder what he is holding on for. Fear of dying, maybe, or more likely fear of leaving my grandmother alone. He is a wonderful man who helped me become a woman. Since I could remember he was always there for me. I would change his shows on tv when I was little to watch my own programs, and he never complained. He taught me how to tie my shoes, learn how to play cards, and most importantly he taught me how to be happy in my life even if things weren't perfect. He was a terrific influence on me, he showed me what a wonderful marriage can look like, the way him and my grandmother would just look at eachother. I swear if he was healthy enough they would still be getting down and dirty at 80 years old. Their love was uncondional and it was most noticed when I would come and visit and just watch them together. They way he would look at her walking away or the way he would talk to her. He had the best laugh. Even if you didn't know what the joke was his laugh would make you pee your pants, it was the most perfect funny laugh. If I close my eyes hard enough I can hear him laugh.

I'm done for now, the tears are falling and I can't really see the computer

The first

I honestly don't really even know what this is all about. My ramblings usually wind up in a notebook, but I usually misplace the notebook after a few weeks and then I have to start over. There is most likely someone who has them all and just likes to read them to realize that their life isn't as bad as mind. So I figure since I can't loose my computer as easily as a notebook I am most likely safe. The cool thing is because my spelling is that of a 5 year old most days I have spell check on here so I hope to keep the errors to a minimum. I will warn you "professional" blogger's, I am not one of you. I usually write how I talk and I will usually jump and changes subjects often. I am saying sorry for any future confusion I may cause. I will say because of my mind always in go mode, I will have some blogs about my dreams, some about my fears of the everyday, some in regards to infertility and some days in regards to all three topics or non of them at all.

Most of my notebooks were on my dreams. I dream almost every night and it drives me crazy. I usually feel more tired when I wake up in the morning because my dreams have me running around so I never feel rested in the morning. Some of my dreams are just as random as they come, but usually there is some truth to them. The only thing is because I remember almost everything in them it makes me have more fears in reality. I had a horrible dream about a plane crash and since then I can't even go near an airport without hyperventilating. Driving is another thing I just can't seem to do anymore. I am only 28, and for the last few weeks my fear of driving has prevented me from going to the store. My husband works in the afternoon so I make sure I get everything I need to do done before he has to leave for work because otherwise I am stuck in the house. Thank goodness for the fact that most of the time we work on opposite shifts because if we didn't I most likely wouldn't be able to work. I hate how my mind dictates my actions. Some people try to tell my just don't worry about it. Oh sure if it was that easy I would be a world traveler, and have a million kids already. That brings me to another point, when someone is having a hard time conceiving a child, NEVER, EVER tell them to just relax!!!!!! Honestly, that statement can get your head chopped off. Between hormones and doctors appointments woman, and their partners who struggle to conceive will and can do physical harm if that sentence comes out of the wrong mouth!
Seriously, if someone can't get pregnant because her hormones are out of whack or her partners sperm count is low, relaxing is not going to magically help them get better. Its like telling someone with diabetes to just relax there blood sugar back to normal. Its not going to happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!